The Oil-a-Woit 'OmePage
This is a page for those that want to know about the real Oil-a-Woit, and not what they put in the tourist leaflets. Keep referencing here as I expect I'll be constantly updating this page to make it more accurate and informative. Enjoy.
Geography
On asking an average British person where the Oil-a-Woit can be located they will usually reply either "Near the Channel Islands?" or "Just off Cornwall?", both of which are, obviously, wrong. The actual location of the Oil-a-Woit is in fact 1'N 50'W, just off the coast of Brazil. Being placed in such a position grants the Oil-a-Woit the tropical climates for which it is famous.
The geography of the Oil-a-Woit itself is relatively simple. From the capital town on Newpaht, running towards the northernmost point of the island, is the river Medecina, bisecting the town of Cahhs on its way. To the west of the island are a small string of rocks, named The Needles, due to the fact that they look like needles. Down the east side of the island are all the main tourist towns and villages; Roide, Sahndahn, Shankaling and Ventnorr. The southernmost tip of the island is known as Sunt Cattrin's Poind.
History
During the Roman invasion of Britain, the Oil-a-Woit was the only place not taken over, due to its distant location. During this time it was given the name of Vectis which, when literally translated, means Moral Furnace.
Also, during the extensive Falklands War the Oil-a-Woit was used as an outpost and stop-off point for warships. During this time the Oil-a-Woit's location became vital to the strategies used, as it was the only local place to obtain postcards, sandbags and rather attractive glass ornaments with coloured sand in them. There were many visits by the legendary comedian, Jim Davidson.
Natives
The local inhabitants of the Oil-a-Woit are generally, rather normal. Having been introduced to the idea of iron-working several hundred years ago, they have evolved through the knife and bowl stage, past the cutlery stage without a glance, and are freely on their way to some major inventions, including helicopters, the wheel, hand-print scanners and telephone directories. Living mainly in huts constructed from mud and wood, they hunt the wildly roaming sheep and antelope in a village-and-town rota system. Some problems have arisen regarding the installation of electrical sockets.
Due to the small amount of trade done between neighbouring (and sometimes, warring) towns, the road system of the island is rather under-developed. Some cart tracks exist between certain towns, but mainly the average tourist should keep an eye out for the old wooden signposts, usually overgrown with brambles, which indicate which route through the woods to take, or over which hill to go, to get to the required destination.
The largest type of trade on the island is that of glass+sand ornaments. These fascinatingly shapes pieces of glasswork are filled, in many layers, with the many different coloured sands found along Alem Boi, and in the cliffs near Blackgan Chann. The resulting pieces of artwork are sold in the millions each year to tourists, who find such pieces of local art irresistable. It is the hopes of the Oil-a-Woit council that if enough sand is exported from the Oil-a-Woit to other pieces of Britain then, sooner or later, Oil-a-Woit property will be in the majority in all England's counties and thereby allow the Oil-a-Woit to establish supremacy and grasp governmental control from London. This is a closely guarded secret.
Wildlife
Adders, the only poisonous snake to be found in the British Isles, can be found extensively throughout the grasslands and woods of the Oil-a-Woit. This has led to the isle-wide sport of adder-flicking. Participants are required, by the use of their own forked stick (of no more than a 26 inch length), pin the adder's head to the ground and, on the blow of a whistle, flick the adder through the air (using only one hand, and keeping the feet stationary on the ground). Competitors' distances of flicking are measured and the winner is given the Oil-a-Woit Ida-Flaq trophy to keep for the year. The world record holder is Mrs Carol Thrimph, with an impressive Ida-Flaq measuring 34.70m, back in 1987.
Beruga Monkeys can be found extensively throughout the woods of the Oil-a-Woit. Fortunately, due to recent customs controls being lifted, many axes have now found there way onto the island and trails have started to be cut through the thick woodlands. However, a careless tourist can soon find himself (or herself) up in a tree, surrounded by the orange-fur covered monkeys, baring their teeth and thumping the branches with recently scavenged antelope horns.
Long Tailed Greamots are also common on the island. These shambling brown creatures are close cousins to the slightly better known Sloth, but, unlike their cousins, are found mainly in packs, basking in the sun, in the undergrowth and on tops of hills, feeding on primroses. When roasted, these mammals apparently taste very similar to chicken.
The Oil-a-Woit is also one of the last refuge places for the British Red Squirrel. Many were brought over on the ships that first brought the secret of iron-working to the island, and have found the trees a safe place to live. According to modern medical evidence, a rather strange poison can be found in the livers of most Red Squirrels, presumably extracted from something in their diet - this is probably what prevents them from being eaten by the ravenous Beruga Monkeys.
An old greeting on the Oil-a-Woit is the well known "Yawwa Yawwa!". This comes from the native Yawwa Yawwa Birds, whose call can be heard most mornings, at sunset and at times of high hoverfly infestation.
Sites of interest
One of the most well known tourist sites of interest is, of course, Blackgan Chann. This festively decorated place comprises of the well known maze, dinosaur exhibits, a funny house with strange walls and floors, WC-land, the wild west hamlet and the fairy model exhibit (which is illuminated at night). Unfortunately, due to the heavy exporting of glass+sand trinkets, the cliffs around Blackgan Chann are crumbling extensively, resulting in twenty-three acres of it falling into the sea each year!
Another well known tourist attraction on the island is that of Cassbrook Cassel, situated within the picturesque, if somewhat dangerous, Pynerd Woods. For a small exchange of silver a tourist may view the attractive art, stunning stonework, wonderous well, and Veronica, the island's only donkey. Veronica is of a special breed of donkey, long ago crossbred with a Long-Tailed Greamot, making her quite unique.
Events
Once a year the Oil-a-Woit is open for the world reknowned Garlic Festival. Such sites as the Garlic Cookery Book Tent, and the Garlic-Flavoured Ice-Cream Vendor spring up, almost over night, for a whole weekend, and then, just as quickly, vanish again. Fortunately, for such a large gathering, Beruga monkeys have little liking for garlic.
Another world reknowned event that takes place is the Oil-a-Woit Biennial Oboe Contest, which is open to anyone that wishes to compete, under the age of thirty.
Unknown facts
Rather surprisngly, considering its size, the Oil-a-Woit has more voters (numbering 126,000) for its parliamentary seat than any other in the country. This seems surprising until it is realised that under Oil-a-Woit law all domestic pets and animals (including the numerous sheep), must be issued birth certificates, and it are these that make their way onto the local records.
The Oil-a-Woit's flag comprises of a red and white checked background with a small species of fish, known as Pout, in the middle.
Any astronomer will tell you that the difference between a meteor and a meteorite is that a meteor is simply a meteorite that, when falling through the atmosphere, does not reach the Earth's surface, usually by burning up. A good example of this is the meteor that, in 1963, was tracked to have come from Mars and entered the Earth's atmosphere above the Oil-a-Woit. As it shot towards the ground it struck the head of an old man who had been returning from the local supplier with his wife's 'shopping'. The meteor, now no larger than a pea, hit the man's scalp and killed him. He was subsequently buried and, with the meteor still not officially a meteorite (having not touched the ground) the man went down on record as the only human being ever to be killed by an Attack from Mars!
Many new, and previously unknown, species of dinosaur have been discovered preserved in the legendary Oil-a-Woit sand, including the Rangadocus and Vectisaurus, raising interesting questions as to their migration habits.
Famous people from the Oil-a-Woit include Mr David 'Cyan' 'Jesus' Icke, Mr William Shakespeare, Mrs Carol Thrimph, King Edmund Ironside, and, of course, Gandhi.
(Hidden in the above are several real, little-known facts about the genuine Isle Of Wight. Can you find them all?)
You could almost build a complete Advanced Dungeons & Dragons campaign around the place...
"'Cos everybody hates a tourist,
Especially one who thinks it's all such a laugh."